Humbling Happenings

Humbled. Humbled. Humbled.  The last 28 hours can be summed up in that word alone. Picked up K (foster daughter) for church on Saturday evening and passed by a man in a wheelchair holding a sign saying he needed help and was hungry. My little one has a keen eye and a big heart for people in need. Immediately she asks if we can give him something. I usually say, 'not this time' with a tinge of conviction in my heart, due to my perception of lack...lack of time, lack of cash on hand, lack of preparation.  Lack of compassion in my own heart?  As if it all depends on me. But we did have extra time and I did have two snacks in the car. So I said yes, made a couple of quick u-turns and parked near him.  With instructions to stay by my side and stay quiet, we approached. He graciously accepted our small offerings and we exchanged names.  Upon getting back in the car, I suggested we say a prayer for Sean.  K went first and I welled up with tears listening to the sweetest voice say the sweetest prayer for him to 'have a good life, and have a home and be safe.'  I followed with a prayer, and we went on to church.

The message, I Am Chosen, living from a place of God's acceptance instead of for the acceptance of others. In other words, ditch the ego whether it be in arrogance or insecurity and live humbly.  


Today rolls around and in this heat, we headed to the pool. k asks if she can invite her playmate to church. I give her permission and we practice. She does a great job and conversations with parents begin.  I think about my own lack of zeal at times and tendency to avoid conversations with new people that go beyond the surface. Even though it's basically for the kidz bucks, I am impressed with her courage to make the ask. 

After swimming this evening we stopped by the grocery store for a few essentials, 15 minutes and 15 reminders to 'keep your hands to yourself' plus one assignment of time out when we got home for not heeding said reminders, we got in line.  Bags and groceries on the conveyor and I realized I only had $7 cash and no debit card. I don't bring my card to the pool. Duh. We get up front and I explain things to the super sweet cashier.  I decide to buy the rotisserie chicken for tonight's dinner and do without the rest until I come back and shop again tomorrow.  Half way to the car this young woman is running after us. She says. 'Come back, I'm paying for your groceries.  You shouldn't have to come all the way back.'  Initially I resist saying...that's too kind, please you don't have to. She insists and basically walks back inside fully expecting us to follow her.   

Too kind?  Really Natalie, can someone be too kind? 

 I have to say I didn't feel embarrassed at all...just so incredibly cared for and blessed.  We met up at the register and began to gather our bags. I asked her name...Ruth. I thanked her for her kindness and told her we'd be praying for her. What else could I offer to someone I couldn't pay back?  She said she could use it with a baby on the way.  I asked and she said it was her first and her voice started to shake when she added her husband was deployed overseas.  I thought to myself...this is an opportunity to walk the walk and step in close to really share the love of Christ. Do I want to be someone who  talks about it or someone who does it?  And the even louder voice...what do I want to model for my daughter?  So I said, 'can I pray for you now?  She immediately stepped in for a hug, saying that it would be great, and held my hand and cried as I prayed.  We parted with hugs all around. What an incredible moment.  As we left I shared with K that I was emotional because I felt so blessed. She noticed that Ruth was shaking too and we chatted about the power of God.  Got home...shower, dinner, time out etc.  sat down and as I reflected on this weekend, I had to share.  I am listening. 

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God? (‭Micah‬ ‭6‬:‭8‬ AMP)

Pure Soil

In the moments just before I fully awoke yesterday, I saw this simple image.  A pot sat in front of me, and to my right a dying and withering plant being removed. There was a healthy plant ready to be planted.  Just before I could place the healthy plant in the pot, a hand came down on my left and began carefully picking out particles, seeds and weeds from the old plant.  Before the new one could be planted, grow, and thrive the soil had to be completely pure.  

That's where I am.  God is removing remnants of of what was unhealthy in me to grow something new a beautiful.  I've been praying and asking Him what I need to be doing in this season.  As soon as I opened my eyes, the answer was clear, let Him work in me. 
-  Selah (Pause and calmly think of that)

 "As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience." Luke 8:15 - ESV

Sammy Says

So a couple of years ago I adopted this dog named Sam.  I resolved to me a good doggie mama and walk him often.  There have been many joys and many many frustrations of teaching an energetic lab mix how to walk on a leash near the woods.  I quickly got over the embarrassment of scolding him for chasing squirrels, when I realized it wasn't as bad as having my wrist pulled out of socket.  I marveled at his sense of smell when he would react to a deer nearby before I could spot it, and wondered why he's afraid of turtles and not snakes.  Over the past two years, I've also had a few thoughts reverberate in my spirit (can thoughts reverberate in your spirit?  It just sounded like the right word) that echo God's perspective as I learn to walk with him.  Here they are.

1.       Stay close, it’s for your own good.

2.       You’re on a leash for your own protection and well-being.  When I can trust that you’ll exercise self-control and always stay close to me, you can run free.

3.       When you pull away, you only choke yourself out.  Sorry about that, I know it's uncomfortable, but if I didn't hold on to you, you'd get lost, hurt or even fatally injured.     

4.       Don’t follow your sniffer anytime something new catches your attention, follow me. 

5.       Nothing belongs to you, I just love you enough to let you enjoy it.

6.       When I speed up, speed up with me, when I slow down, slow down with me, when I say rest, rest.  Don’t fight the pace, it just makes things difficult.

7.       I greet new people (and animals) first, to make sure they’re safe and clean.  If I give you permission, you may get acquainted as well.  If I say walk on, walk on.

8.       I talk to you all of the time, it would serve you well to know my voice, my tone, my language, and to listen. 

"Prayer List"

I’ve been half joking lately about my “prayer list.”  

Prayer is no joke.  I know this.  But this is a special list reserved for people in my life that are just plain irritating.  When I’m venting or telling some ridiculous story of their ridiculous antics, I say “I’m adding him/her to my prayer list.”  This is intended to justify my venting and make it all better.  My own little version of the better known Southwest Missouri colloquialism intended to magically erase guilt for gossiping, “bless her heart.” 

But the reality is, and I say this in all seriousness, they need Jesus (lower chin, purse lips, raise one eyebrow, insert southern accent.)  So I created a mental “prayer list” for those I’ve given nick names, as though they are traveling the yellow brick road in search of great wisdom when what they really need is to fill something inside.  There’s Dark Heart, Dark Heart Jr., Pickled and Cranky Pants.  In my not-so-humble opinion (ouch, that’s ugly) they have totally earned these titles. (point finger, point made.  I am soooo smart and sooo wise and sooo right about these people)  

And so in between my trivial annoyances with these dear people and stories about their meanness toward others and sour outlook on life, bless their hearts, I do pray for them.  Because I realize that that they really do need it.  And yesterday, I realized how much I need it too.

I read this:  “But to as many as did receive and welcome Him, He gave authority (power, privilege, right) to become the children of God, that is, to those who believe in (adhere to, trust in, rely on) His name—Who owe their birth neither to bloods nor to the will of the flesh (that of physical impulse) nor to the will of man (that of a natural father), but to God.  (They are born of God!)  John 1:12-13 AMP  

My “prayer list” got real serious real quick.  I began to pray for them by name instead of calling them by title. (It’s about to get Pentecostal up in here) How much energy am I willing to give to glorify the enemy’s attempts to destroy their lives when they are born of God and He knows their names?  How much breath am I willing to waste rehearsing the enemy’s work in their lives and spreading his un-newsworthy news?  How much do I really care about people?  How much do I really care about people meeting God in a way that brings light, life and hope? 

So as I prayed for them by name, I started welling up with tears and got a lump in my throat…and 

I.  Was.  Shocked.

I started crying.  I felt this sadness for those that don’t have a relationship with God, one that brings joy, hope, the experience of immense grace and mercy.  I felt sadness thinking about how much God must miss those He created who meander through life ignoring Him.  (To be clear, I’m not making assumptions about their faith – people on my “prayer list” have been very clear to me about hating Christians, not believing in God, thinking that hope is a silly notion etc. etc.)  

As I prayed, I was humbled by evidence that God in His grace is working in me and changing my heart, despite my arrogance.  And so very thankful that I have the privilege of Him knowing me and me knowing Him.   I was surprised because I didn’t expect to feel a genuine and deep love for them. To be honest I was praying out of obedience because it’s the right thing to do, not because my heart was particularly moved by these people.  The truth is they irritate me.  But the love was in there and as I opened my heart to the truth about their lives, it surfaced.  I was stifling it with my ideas, my own irritation, and those super clever nick names, which incidentally I am not allowed to use anymore.

The simple truth is that God created each one.  He knows their names.  He knows intimately their being, and He loves them there.  And so I pray they will be open to receiving that love and know true life.

Because prayer changes people…it’s changing me. 

50 Random Things 2006

1. How tall are you barefoot?
Five-Five - but since I wear heals 80% of the time I leave the house people think I'm like five-seven.  Such the deceiver I am.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
no way jose


3. Do you own a gun?
I used to have a super soaker


6. What do you think of hot dogs?
yummy!


7. Whats your favorite Christmas song?
Oh Holy Night and It Took a Child to Save the World - Fred Hammond


8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
coffee
9. Can you do push ups?
Only the girly ones.


10. Is your bathroom clean?
most of the time


11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
my new right hand bling - the eternity band, because I will love myself for ever


13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Telling them things about themselves that they did not tell me...I think they are drawn in to the fact that I "know"them so well.  They feel known, and therefore validated and who doesn't want to feel validated?  Oh, have I said too much?
14. Do you own a knife?
steak knives, my brother is the knife collector


15. Do you have A.D.D.?
nope...


16. Middle Name?
Nicole


17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
Um, I don't know what to day, Julia is clever


19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
water, coffee, iced tea
20. What time did you wake up today?
8 am
22. Current worry?
Am I being my best? and What's wrong with me?


23. Current hate?
wasting time


24. Favorite place to be?
In the presence of God and home.  He's there too so basically one is a sub-category of the other. 


25. Least favorite place to be?
away from people I love

26.  Where do you want to go?
right now, Lebanon, MO and in general NYC
27. Do you own slippers?
yes, black ones...they are kinda stinky - maybe I'll get new ones for Christmas


28. What shirt are you wearing?
black shirt with gold sparklies, jeans, black blazer


29. Do you burn or tan?
tan, then burn


30. Favorite color(s)?
red & chocolate brown


31. Would you be a pirate?
nah, they steal too much and don't get to take showers.  Plus the sea air would make my hair all frizzy.


32. What is your favorite holiday?
christmas and the 4th of July


33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I sing patriotic songs too!  And random worship songs that I think I sound good singing. 


34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Freddy Kruger


35. What's in your pockets right now?
nothin - oh my debit card and cafe de fe frequent customer card


36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Monique doing her impression of Shakira


37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
Strawberry Shortcake I think


38. Worst injury you've ever had?
broken finger


40. Are your parents still together?
yes


41. Who is your loudest friend?
Tiffanie - her laugh is crazy and contagious.  And Katherine - she's got this great passionate and boisterous personality.  She's also smart n funny so it makes for a great combo.  I miss her.


42. Who is your most silent friend?
hmm...Kendra used to be but now I don't think I have any silent friends. 


43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Of course. 


44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
not so much


45. What is your favorite book?
bible, The Red Tent, The Color Purple

46. What is your favorite candy?
dark chocolate...from France


47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
many Stevie classics -  have yet to decide on the first dance song. 


48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
doesn't matter to me...something that glorifies God and Goin Up Yonder.

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?  Technically 12 am this morning...
That's confidential, just kidding, at the movies watching the Holiday with girlfriends.


50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
Oh! It's time to wake up.  I was surprised cause the night went so fast. n And how, much longer can I lay here before I am late.

Rude Awakening 2006

6 am...Boom - pause, boom, boom, boom.  It shook the whole apartment building.  Peanut, my roommate's dog, woke up howling, barking and growling.  Poor thing, he had a rough morning.  Groggy, my roommate and I met in the hall, what the heck is going on over there?  We heard yelling and pounding through the wall we share with our neighber.  A man and his wife we barely know.  He gives us the heeby geebys - but whatever, some people are just a little odd.  We decided to peek out the windows - In the shadows, we saw a police squad in full gear, helmets and everything, one of them even had a battering ram (the explanation for our rude awakening).  I am curious and inquisitive (my sister calls it being nosy) so I went outside and asked them what was going on?  Apparently my neighbor's had a search warrant.  For what, I don't know and I almost don't want to know.  
Lesson of the Day -- Get to know your neighbors and if they give you the heeby geebys because they're creepy - there's probably a good reason for it.  

Girls Only, Dancing in the Kitchen 2006

Until the other night I thought I had experienced all there was to kitchen dancing.  Let me fill you in...I love to dance, and there's really no better place to do so than in your own kitchen.  You can act a fool, get your groove on and don't have to worry about looking stupid - 'cause it's just you. (and maybe your close friends.)  So over the years I have done A LOT of kitchen dancing.  I practiced salsa while mopping, done the bad Elaine dance from Seinfeld for 30 minutes with my best friend Rebecca, and also a number of musical numbers at the apartment in Monrovia with my roomeate -- it has a backstage area which makes it perfect for dramatic entrances and exits.  So in the area of kitchen dancing I consider yself pretty experienced.  


Until last Wednesday... Upon finding a treasure of old Jazz albums in my parents' closet I have become quite enamored with them.  One of which is Gene Kruppa, my dad's favorite drummer.  As the intro started, my dad took my hands, and started swing dancing with me in our kithcen!  My favorite was the move where he nearly kicked me in the face then spun me around multiple times!  It was soooo fun. 


There's nothing quite like the love and affection from you daddy.  I am so thankful for my dad.  I am also thankful that in all the years I didn't have this playful relationship with him, that God, my father in heaven did and still does love me like crazy and has treated me like his princess my whole life. 


Girls, there is nothing like the love and affection of our God.  He loves you so much and wants the chance to show you.  Next time you want to IM or call a guy, take a moment to pray instead.  Ask God, where are you, what are you saying to me?  And see if he does not show you His love in a new way.  And when He answers and makes you feel like the most precious a beautiful girl in the world, write me and share with me how He did it.


With Love.
Natalie

The 3 Hole Punch Saved My Life 2006

I forget that I don't handle exhaustion well...and sometimes it's the little things that save my sanity.  Like the 3 hole punch on Thursday.  I was able to fit everything in one binder with multicolored pocket dividers, and a 3 hole punch for all of those annoying loose sheets of paper.  That's all.  I am just thankful for the 3 hole punch...and organization, and my mommy who tells me everything is gonna be okay, and the presence of God, and my girlfriends who make me laugh and remind me that I'm not crazy and even if I was it would be okay, and brownie sundaes, and hamburgers, and coffee, and sleep - ahh sleep! 

Talking About the Issues 2007

So I've watched Oprah for the past 2 days...she is facilitating a dialogue in response to Don Imus' comments about the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team.  The comments were sexist and racist and demeaning.

I find myself frustrated by these conversations.  Debates over why this hatred exists, how it goes on, how far we've come, how far we have yet to go.  I hear over and over again people attempt to identify the most guilty culprit perpetuating these problems...and the finger points...at our history as a nation with slavery, at hip hop, at poverty,at corporate America, at men, at women, at young people, at old people, at neglect, at black people, at white people, at drugs, at the "streets", at MTV. 

We say, "Not me, it's not my fault...I am an innocent by-stander.  I am a product of a sick society.  I am part of a fatherless generation.  I am just the rapper, a pawn, the producers tell me what to say.  I am a producer trying to make honest music, the artists are ignorant and just expressing what they know, who am I to censor them.  I am a woman, no one will listen to me...I am oppressed."

A nation full of victims, who made themselves so. 

Victims cannot ever change things, for they themselves, by their own admission, are only changed by what happens TO them.
So afraid to say, "I am part of the problem.  I choose." 

People who realize they can set a course, they can change things.  People who realize they are able to respond and wake to the truth that they are not animals reacting to a stimulus, they can change things.  People who know who they are and where they came from, they can change things.

This is, at its root, a spiritual problem, a problem who's root is in each of our hearts.  If we are made in God's image, and we are...we have the potential to embody and administer justice, love, truth, hope, compassion... all of which God, is the essence.  But there's this problem of sin we have, this idea that we know better than God what's good for us.  When our pride refuses to acknowledge that all we know and have accomplished outside of Him is nothing at all, we seek and do not find, we ask with no answers.  We have debates over why this hatred exists, how it goes on, how far we've come, how far we have yet to go.  Because we choose it.  We choose "me" over God. 

Here's my challenge:  Be someome who chooses God more times than I choose myself on any given day, seek the Kingdom, know Jesus.  Be someone who puts others before myself, share the Truth.  Trust God.   

He Is 2007

He just is - and there is no separation.  I am in his midst.  God loving me.  I am begotten from love.  Contrition, compassion, earnest longing for God.


"God wishes to be known, and is pleased that we should rest in him' for all that is below him does nothing to satisfy us.  And this is why, intil all that is made seems as nothing, no soul can be at rest.  When a soul sets all at nothing for love, to have him who is everything that is good, then it is able to have spiritual rest." - Julian of Norwich


These words echo to me as I wrestle with God over my life.  It's mine!!!!!!!!  I become a fearful 2 year old who has had her blankie thrown in the washer.  It's coming back, clean, warm and cozy and she knows it at some level.  Yet, when it's slipping from her hands, she fears.  She fears her comfort may not come back and then how will she fall asleep, how can she be at rest?  How will she survive!???!??!!   Her mom, her most trusted caregiver taking it away?  Is she being decieved?  


The more I tighten my grip on life, the more it tears apart, becoming a filthy rag.  


The strength & tenacity I have is not meant for stubbornly holding on to what's not mine. 


The strength I have is meant to bear a weight of someone else's determination...and do it well, with gladness and with praise and thanksgiving.  The strength I have is to submit under the weight of the Holy Spirit who presses into me and presses out of me who I really am.  In Him, I am.    

Something is dying and...

One of my favorite things about living in Missouri is the enchanting change of the seasons.  My first apartment here had a tree outside the kitchen window and I remember marveling at the buds as they formed in Spring from a tree that looked like it had been dead for months.  It was magical.  The pink, purple and white blooms on trees all over town turned to green too soon.  And autumn, oh autumn.  Gorgeous red, yellow, orange, browns...and everything in between makes the drive to Lebanon, MO to see the family such a treat.  Winds blow in with wintery mixes in December and I can't help but lose my breath when I see the intricate beauty of a single snow flake...(which is taking forever this year, but I am not complaining.  Anticipation of a short winter is A-ok with me.)

With each shift of seasons, something is dying and something is coming alive.  It's miraculous.  

I like change in my life too...and often seek it out or create it.  My bedroom or living room gets rearranged at least once a year, I welcome new friendships, I move, embrace new job opportunities, get a dog, accept invitations to new social/networking groups, go back to school, start new business ventures.  I like change.

However, (aka but), as I sit in this current season where the changes taking place have a lot of uncertainty attached, I am, well, not enjoying it so much.  There are changes taking in place in my family, some tangible and some intangible.  My parents are moving here soon, but not sure when exactly.  My niece just got married.  For the first time in my life, I am not spending Christmas Eve with my family.  There are just shifts taking place that I can't put my finger on.  I recently had an ugly end to a 13 year friendship and another friend was diagnosed with cancer last week.  My dear friend is struggling to get custody of his daughters in a seemingly impossible situation.  A co-worker who's been an incredible daily encourager has moved on to another job.  There are things in flux, uncertain and totally out of my control.  And underneath it all, I tend to get a bit melancholy/depressed this time of year.  Sometimes it makes my heart ache because I just want people and relationships to be okay, but the truth is they are not always okay...and that's okay.  That's life.

I remind myself that I have the gift of self control and that my thoughts and feelings can be carelessly given to the Lord, because He is faithful.  But still I struggle to keep my emotional footing and to live out of the love I've been generously given instead of what feels like desperation.  I know, I think too much and over analyze.  So letting go of my thoughts is a struggle.     

Interestingly enough, I "know" that all of life is out of my control, even when things seem cool.  Sometimes, that truth is just more obvious than others, and this is one of those times.  I don't know what the next season of my life will hold.  Something is dying but something is coming alive.  Through my uncertainty there is an opportunity for God to make his faithfulness and power ever so obvious.    

Habakkuk 3:17-19 (Amplified Bible)

Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,  Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!  The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

My hope is that through seasons of change, I grow in patience as I endure the pruning of Autumn, more robust & strong like the tree that weathers through Winter, and in freedom to celebrate the beauty of life like the blooms of Spring.  And Summer, everybody loves Summer!  Somebody get me to the beach!

An afterthought:  Something is coming alive. I want to be wise, strong and full of life to care for those things which are living.  If I wither during a difficult season of change, I will miss out on the gifts of the next.  Or at best, be ill prepared to face them, enjoy them, care for them...whatever they may be.  Hmmm.  Pondering.